Posts in category: Love

Over the course of our lifetimes, we form tens of thousands of connections with other people. Yet, only a few stand out as exceptional, extraordinary, and sometimes even magical. You know what I am talking about – the people whose mere mention makes your heart flutter. 

This happened to me once upon a time. I met a woman, and in that fleeting moment when our gazes locked for the first time, everything else dissolved. It felt as though we were on a stage, with the spotlight on her, dimming the surrounding world into oblivion. Time seemed to retreat into a corner, eager to immortalize the instant our eyes met. In that space between reality and dream, we bonded first through our eyes, then our smiles. Words were unnecessary; our silence spoke volumes. Introductions felt redundant, as if we had known each other forever. But how? And since when? 

These questions are not for our rational minds; they belong to the territory of the heart. It is hard to answer why we feel at home with some people and at war with others. What makes one relationship inspiring and another stressful? Why do we shine in a certain relationship but wither in another? Can relationships be governed by some natural laws similar to those in physics or chemistry? If yes, why haven’t we discovered them until now? 

My scientific, rational life kept me away from such introspective queries. I lived as if practical pursuits were the only ones worth chasing. Yet, as I grew older, the bonds we create with other humans seemed more important than ever. Now, understanding relationships feels like the most practical endeavor of all. Worldly achievements lose their appeal if not enjoyed with the people you love. Scaling the Himalayas means little if you can’t share the view with someone who deeply understands you. At least, that’s how I see it. 

These questions resurfaced recently after meeting a diverse group of people. With some, I felt an immediate connection, while others made building bridges seem impossible. The word ‘chemistry’ is often used to describe this feeling. It usually denotes something inexplicable connecting two people. But what is it about this ‘chemistry’ that makes it so elusive and yet so essential? The scientist in me pondered the appropriateness of this term. Surprisingly, the more I looked into it, the more I felt that we are more like chemical elements than we might think. 

Like elements, we can exist in isolation, but we usually seek association and connections. There’s an exception to this rule both in chemistry and in humans – the noble gases and the lone wolves are both content with minimal interactions. For the rest of us, social connections vary widely. Party butterflies are like oxygen, eager to bond with almost anyone. Others, especially introverts, are like gold – highly selective in their interactions. 

We can take these parallels a step further by looking at the strength of the connections we forge. Chemical bonds surprisingly mirror our relationships. Some bonds break with the slightest heat, much like superficial relationships that shatter at the first conflict. Our strongest, deepest love connections that withstand the harshest of circumstances stand in contrast to that. These are akin to the unbreakable bonds of diamonds, enduring the test of time. 

Recognizing that human relationships are similar to chemical reactions is not going to help us design laws for human connections. That said, however, we can borrow a page from chemical bonds and apply it to our relationships. We can observe to whom we have affinity and are naturally attracted and whom we are repulsed by. We can also observe the basis of this attraction. Are we attracted by something superficial and therefore likely to form an unstable bond? Or are we being selective and building a stable enduring connection? Asking such simple questions at the beginning of a relationship can save us a lot of pain and heartache, as every relationship necessitates an investment of energy and time. 

There is more to learn from chemical interactions though. The first important lesson is that to form a stable bond, elements have to give, or share, part of themselves with the other element. This is how chemical bonds are formed. The same is true for human relationships – successful relationships entail deep sharing, sacrifices, and compromises. The individual entity is sacrificed, to a degree, for the sake of the combined entity. But only the wise can see the advantage of the combined entity over the individualistic. And the very wise knows how to grow the individual within the combined entity. 

The second important lesson is that the combination of any two elements is more than the sum of its components. Every relationship has a higher purpose that transforms its constituents. Look at water, for example; it is a liquid made up by combining two gases. Nothing in the oxygen and hydrogen on their own can hint at the potential of water within them. This is how truly successful relationships are – they lead to the expression of potential that cannot happen without this relationship. 

But be warned – not all interactions produce healthy combinations. Oxygen and hydrogen come together to produce water, an essential compound that nourishes everything. Other interactions might produce toxic compounds that are harmful to everything in their environment. The same can be said about relationships, either personal or professional. Some combinations of people produce teams or couples who have a great impact on their surroundings. Other relationships can be toxic in nature, even though the individual elements are not toxic on their own. 

This is the reason why we should seek “chemical” affinity in our relationships. Every heartful relationship can lead to growth and expansion that cannot be foreseen before it. We want to create the kind of relationship which can serve as a scaffold for more growth and expansion in every interaction. At the same time, we have to be wary of unhealthy interactions or toxic combinations. We should be sensitive to the impact of our interactions on our emotional health and our lives. Early detection of negative effects can help us avoid long-term suffering. If we do, then we have learned the chemical lessons of relationships. 

You might be wondering what happened to my relationship with the woman who momentarily froze time for me. I can faithfully say that our relationship produced growth and expansion that would not have been possible without it. Unfortunately, the bond was not stable enough to last a lifetime. The willingness to share, sacrifice, and compromise, which is essential for a successful relationship, was not reciprocal. Eventually, the bond was broken. It takes two to tango or to form a connection. So, be careful whom you choose to dance with. And avoid, at all costs, those who cannot dance with you in harmony and love.